𝗛𝗼𝘄 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗺𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗮𝗿𝘁𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗹𝗱 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝘁𝘂𝘀? 𝗔 𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗮𝗶𝗿𝗲.
What keeps you up at night?
a) That unexplainable and undeserved Städelschule graduate’s Contemporary Art Daily feature
b) Your mother’s relentless messages pitching you an alternative career as a life coach because you’ve got ‘such a presence’
c) That gallerist’s kind but firm reminders to finally send them proof that you’ve actually been working
Which one of these three people irritates you the most?
a) Alex G., whose innate genderbending nonchalance seems to be surpassed only by their ability to successfully collaborate with desirable artworld figures on edgy projects
b) Alex D., who sells you coffee in the morning and really seems pretty happy doing only that
c) Alex K., who once called your work ‘interesting’ and then slowly strolled away
When you exercise, what thought motivates you most?
a) ‘I once gave my contact details to Cecilia Alemani and she thanked me for it, pretty sure she’ll reach out so we can work on something for the next Venice Biennale!”
b) ‘You made the right choices. You made the right choices. YOU. MADE. THE. RIGHT. CHOICES.’
c) ‘You look amazing in these compression tights.’
If you had to choose any other job than what you’re doing now, it would be…
a) CEO of an oil or defense company – who cares, so long as people fear me
b) Well, I guess a life coach, right MOM?!
c) Music therapist for rescue animals.
What artist makes your heart beat faster?
a) Cindy Sherman, because you once heard she only travels First Class to her own exhibitions and refuses to talk to people with the word ‘associate’ or ‘assistant’ in their job titles
b) KAWS, because he’s a marketing genius
c) Egon Schiele, because his way of executing tortured limbs feels like a direct reflection of your constant state of mind
You’re going to an opening. What do you wear?
a) Acne. Just so much Acne. And maybe one of Maurizio Cattelan’s Museum League scarves? Yes? Is there a solid black one?
b) Business casual. You never know what opportunities arise at an opening.
c) Layers and layers of washed-out t-shirts and sweaters. Oh, and those compression tights, of course.
If you had to choose a sport to practice professionally, it would be…
a) Tennis, because I too want to be courted by dodgy watch brands after having won an epic five-hour battle on the Wimbledon central court. Or professional cheerleading, based on that Netflix show.
b) Line fishing.
c) I hear swimming is pretty meditative.
Where do you hope to rank in the Art Review Power 100 one day?
a) I’m honestly surprised I haven’t been featured yet, but I’d say #1 would make sense.
b) Please leave me out of this.
c) I’d be happy to be at 98 for one year and then fall into total oblivion so people leave me in peace.
What common denominator do your revenge fantasies share?
a) Just really awful, violent verbal humiliation. Same goes for my sex life.
b) One of these shiny, bouncy plastic balls.
c) A huge, beautiful white cube in which I then proceed to do all sorts of awful things to the person who sends me reminders about bills unpaid.
If you could say anything to one of the people you thought of while taking this questionnaire, what would it be?
a) ‘Why can’t people write normal, explanatory press releases anymore?’
b) ‘I’m sorry I blocked you on WhatsApp, but you started it.’
c) ‘Could we meet twice a week for the upcoming months, doctor?’
Should you be interested in the result of this test, arm yourself with patience and come back for the finissage.